Rambling.

There are too many thoughts running through my head right now to make sense of. Luckily the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack is in my headphones at the moment to put me in a good mood! Although it is kind of too bad there is no man with a beautiful voice (even if his face is messed up) here to sing me to sleep.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking, mostly due to the fact that 90% of my friends went home for Easter while I stayed in Cedar. I spent all of Friday night painting (and watching Phantom of course... I'm obsessed lately) and thinking about what I want out of my life right now. I haven't arrived at an answer yet, though.

The problem is, between going to France in less than a month, then coming back to two summer jobs, trying to balance family and friends and the gym and my other responsibilities, and a lot of my friends still leaving on missions or coming back from them... It's just hard to see how things will fall into place, and how I will do everything I want to. Or if I will. Or should.

I am typically an all or nothing kind of person, I think. It's kind of a dangerous place to be. On one end, there's apathy and walls. But on the other, it's so much easier to get hurt. I hate the grey area in between the two though, that indecision. It's true with anything: work, school, relationships. Throwing your whole heart into something is hard and I know I'm already not a very open person, for many reasons. It takes a lot for me to trust. But I still believe in all or nothing. Hopefully all. Even though it is the hardest thing to do.

On Sunday, someone said something in church that was so interesting to me. She was talking about her life, and how she had accomplished so much. "I've raised beautiful children and I have worked hard at my job, which I love." I am amazed by this statement. I have always focused my life on accomplishing something huge and making a difference in this world. I want to get good grades, graduate, and go out into real life and have a successful career and something to show for it. What I realized though, is that maybe doing the small things is what leads to a successful life. Raising a family, having a career that maybe doesn't have to be the absolute best but one that I absolutely love and work hard at every day. I have no idea what that would be, but it really made me think. More thinking, just what I need.

Sorry about all this cryptic rambling that probably doesn't even make any sense. I just needed to write something and this is what came out. So now that I have successfully procrastinated my homework for another half hour, I'll get out of here.

But not until you watch this. First boy that sings me this song in exactly this voice, I will marry you.